Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.