Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
And that about sums it up.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.