Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
happy friday
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart