Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.