Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
DOOO EEEET
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.