Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Monday
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.