If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
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I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.