Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?