Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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My patience has stretch marks.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“i am a sweet baby”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.