What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Mouse
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.