ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo