I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.