‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
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Broom by every window for quick escape.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
We decided to have money instead of children.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.