Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You Might Also Like
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect