I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp