Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.