I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
🙋♀️
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.