It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
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[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Sunday
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
excuse me
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]