something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
You Might Also Like
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
the simulation is moving too fast
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.