I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My dad.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar