Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?