Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Aaaa…CHOO!
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.