3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum