Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
*pokes sex life with a stick
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie