How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.