I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore