Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn鈥檛 a cookbook
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I鈥檓 so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Seems kinda suspicious
Because you know I鈥檓 all about that data, 鈥榖out that data. No trouble. I鈥檓 all about that data, 鈥榖out that data. No trouble.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The dog I鈥檓 sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can鈥檛 live in it but enough so my kids don鈥檛 get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh