ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You are what you delete.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?