I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
who wants to go expliring
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
he chose this