The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Cheers Twitter.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?