[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.