[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
dutch is not a serious language
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Who called it baking and not making love