My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I have no passwords left in me
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Got him!
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
fair
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
had to make it
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
For anyone who needs this today
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.