Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives