How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.