office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Story of my life…..
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
asking santa clause for nudes
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.