You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
You Might Also Like
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I love twitter
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
bury ourselves
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean