And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Nigella has gone too far this time.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target