My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
You Might Also Like
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Rather alarming headline…
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.