I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’