“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I support this random dude and all his protests
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.