Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
You can’t rush stupid.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
New mindset, who dis?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m ready for Halloween this year