(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
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I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.