Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.