Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*