Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
WTF
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
based al yankovic
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea