[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*