I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.