TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…