When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat